The hardest part was not knowing who I was in those very first, still, and silent moments. It felt scary and lonely.
At the time I started meditating, I had just quit a job in the mental health field, a job I thought was a dream come true, a job I thought would lead me to (one of) my (many) even bigger dream(s) of becoming a therapist, or a nurse, or at one point I even thought about being a doctor!
Fresh out of college, I worked this job for over a year, only to find that I was not cut out for that type of work emotionally— at least not in that setting or that season of my life. Though I loved it, and I loved those patients and oh goodness did I love my coworkers, I just couldn’t do it. I had to take care of myself.
Anyway, I didn’t know HOW to take care of myself, my plans were squashed, all the while my anxiety at this point was killing the game (me). Then someone told me to start meditating. I used to laugh at that stuff, but I was desperate so I tried it.
It was not easy.
You don’t realize how many negative thoughts race through your brain until you consciously stop to watch them run by. I don’t have a number but probably close to one million per minute. I persisted and fought for my peace. I would meditate two, three, sometimes six times a day. I would literally meditate six times a day, like 20 minute guided meditations SIX times a day- Lord have mercy!
Thankfully this space soon became safe and the number of guided sessions decreased to roughly one per day. And in those new moments of peace, hidden for so long behind 10+ years of irrational, dark, dark fear and anxiety, I slowly I started figuring out who I was.
Slowly I still am.